Will You Plant Flowers Where I Lay?

I made this painting to bring awareness to the sad reality of child suicide. 

I was 7 when I attempted to take my own life. My means were futile but the action was still there. It was an action that I did not understand. It was not planned. The decision to wrap my hands around my neck and squeeze was hastily decided in a mix of anger and confusion. The emotions were too great for me to understand. Thankfully, something even greater came to my rescue, divine intervention. I did not black out. Instead, everything went bright golden white. It was the most comfortable I felt in my life, almost like an omnipresent hug. A voice told me, “Don’t do this. You have a purpose.” My hands fell almost as quickly as they went up. However, the feeling of guilt and shame rushed in just as fast. I really did not understand what I had just done, but I knew it was wrong. The story of my misdoing was written all over my neck in bright red hand prints. I could not leave my room for the rest of the day, at least not until those marks went away. I lied to my mom. I told her I was okay. She believed me. 

A piece of my soul is in this painting, my many tears embedded in the canvas. It was one of the most challenging and rewarding pieces I have ever made. The motif is something I would have loved as a child. The three dimensional element of the beads as stamens would have been my favorite part. The colors and metallic elements would have brought me so much joy.

“What if” serves as the inspiration behind this painting. What if I had been successful? How do you remember the life of someone so young?